Marriage Communication With Howard Dayton | FaithFi
February 16, 2022
Marriage Communication With Howard Dayton
Faith & Finance with Rob West
Open and honest communication between husband and wife is a key factor in the success of a marriage all the more so when the topic is money. Rob talks about that with Howard Dayton.
Open and honest communication between husband and wife is a key factor in the success of a marriage. That’s especially true when it comes to money. Howard Dayton joins Rob West to discuss effectively communicating about money.
Howard shares the following story about an experience years ago with his neighbors:
I was at work one day and I got a text message from my neighbor Carlos asking to schedule an urgent meeting with him and his wife, Elsa. The next morning we all met over coffee and they described their predicament. Carlos explained, "We run into problems whenever we try to discuss money and how we're going to manage it. We both know we've got to get beyond this because of our financial situation, but also for the sake of our marriage."
Carlos had been raised by parents who never discussed money in front of their children. He tended to withdraw and refuse to talk if he sensed conflict. Conversely, Elsa's parents constantly fought over finances. She reacted angrily and aggressively to problems, especially when Carlos wouldn’t discuss their money situation at all.
I said I was glad they recognized the problem, and I told them you can't have a great marriage and unity in your finances without developing some great communication. I said, “You've heard the saying 'Every household divided against itself will not stand,' haven't you?"
Elsa said, "Sure, Abraham Lincoln, right?"
I told them Jesus actually said it first and showed them Matthew 12:25. I went on to explain that the key to not being divided is to communicate well with each other and to know what God says about money and marriage.
Carlos and Elsa are a snapshot of the communication challenges many couples face in a marriage. Here are a few tips to strengthen your finances and your marriage at the same time by communicating well about money:
HOW CAN MARRIED COUPLES JUMPSTART EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION?
Asking questions is a tangible way of demonstrating you care and want to understand what your spouse feels. But that’s not enough. The biggest step we can take to improve our communication with our spouse is to improve our listening skills.
If we want our spouse to freely share with us, we must give undivided attention, and that takes some effort! Maintaining eye contact may be unnerving, and the temptation to jump in while our partner is talking is really hard to resist.
So often we don't really listen, but we're thinking of what kind of quick solution we can present as soon as the other person stops talking! Even so, respectful listening is the key to understanding your spouse's feelings and needs.
Many conflicts result from our mistaken assumptions about what others really mean. We need to be asking as many questions as necessary until we understand the other's viewpoint. And you want to ask patiently, of course, without interrupting. As you're working on your listening skills, you're building a foundation for cooperation in problem solving.
BE FORTHRIGHT!
When your spouse asks you a question, it’s important to say what you really mean, isn’t it?
Some people are afraid to expose their real feelings, even to their spouse. Someone might say, “I don't want to use a budget because they’re a hassle,” when what they really mean is, “I'm afraid a budget will stop me from spending what I want.”
But sharing honest feelings enables us to identify differences so we can talk through them. Doing so creates the kind of atmosphere it takes to grow a healthier marriage.
CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE
Picking the right time and place to talk about money is really important.
Ecclesiastes 3 says, “'There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
turn off your phones, leave off the TV, and get away from any other distractions. Pick a time when you're not tired or stressed … certainly not just after paying the bills!
Be willing to say, “I agree that this is important, but we need to wait until later to talk about it. Let's do it tomorrow after dinner.” And by the way, make sure you talk in person. Don't try to solve conflicts by email or texting. Neither of these allows you to observe each other's body language and heart, which is a huge part of communication.
DON’T HIDE ANYTHING!
Unfortunately, roughly half of all couples hide financial assets from each other. Some people think that deceiving their mate about spending or financial decisions is nothing more than a harmless secret, an innocent white lie. But it’s deadly to the relationship.
Proverbs 12:22 says, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”
If you’ve withheld spending from your spouse, first, pray that the Lord would prepare him or her to receive this news well.
Second, develop a plan to pay off the debt.
Third, meet with your spouse and express your desire to be completely honest. Disclose the debt and the plan to pay it off. Seek forgiveness and ask your spouse to meet with you every week for a "money date" to review your finances so this will never happen again.
SET ASIDE BAGGAGE AND BEWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS
And if one or both spouses was previously married, there’s a tendency to impose on your new spouse some of the emotional baggage of your former mate. If your previous spouse spent too much or was dishonest with money or was not a good provider, do not presume your new partner will act similarly.
Set aside any residue you have from your parents or from a previous marriage. Be careful not to distrust your new mate unfairly because of what happened in an earlier marriage.
MAKE TIME FOR REGULAR ‘MONEY DATES’
We mentioned “money dates” a short time ago. Howard always recommends a weekly money date.
Select an appropriate time during the week to focus on your finances by praying together, reviewing your income and spending for the week, and by celebrating the progress the Lord has enabled you to make.
These weekly money dates are vital because they establish the habit of regular financial conversations when there’s no crisis. Many couples don't begin a conversation about money unless a problem has surfaced and the panic button has already been punched.
Tension can reach the boiling point in a hurry when blame and defensiveness take over. That's when it gets personal and hurtful, with a couple screaming at each other instead of working to resolve the problem.
PRAY TOGETHER!
Praying together should be the first thing you do on your money date. Jesus makes this remarkable promise in Matthew 18:19-20: "If two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.”
When a couple prays together about their finances, they learn what is important to their mate, and they invite the God of the universe to be personally involved with their earning and spending.
It’s impossible to fight when you’re praying together!
On this program, Rob also answers listener questions:
How can you make sure that your 401k investments line up with your Christian values?
Is there a way to invest a rollover IRA strictly in dividend-producing companies?
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